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Guilt? Struggle? Trust Grace!

Guilt? Struggle? Trust Grace!

Standing in the garden in my front yard tonight, I was reflecting on how my home is like a retreat space. I don’t take advantage of it in that mind state often enough. I don’t need to leave my home to unwind, escape or retreat.

My life is pretty freakin’ epic. Often it feels quite like a magical fairy tale land, with a rose garden, a shady hammock trestle, fruit trees and herb gardens, all outside my bedroom windows. And yes as of one year ago, a fireplace next to my bed!!!

I notice at times I feel guilty for having this brilliant life, doubting if I deserve all this, while so many struggle. I hear my self justifying or rationalizing it all. “I live with 6 other people to have all this, I could never have it otherwise, I could never make it on my own, etc, etc,” I hear the gremlin instead my head say. Hearing and acknowledging these limiting beliefs is one thing. Actually believing them and letting them own my thoughts or stop me in my tracks is another!

In deeper reflection I know there is no reason for guilt. I work hard, very hard. I struggle and suffer and sit in the discomfort of it all.  And I am willing to do so to maintain this. Sometimes I am barely getting by. Often I am not sure how it is all going to work, but I trust my inner voice (when I choose to listen to her) and I am willing to take inspired imperfect action into the unknown and watch the pathway appear.

For example, it was December a year ago when I changed rooms within the community house I’ve been living in, Casa del Sol. How could one say no to a upgraded room with a fireplace in December, even if it cost more!!?? Although at the time, I had no idea how I was going to pay January’s rent, even before the cost increase, I stayed open, felt into what was best and took the risk, and am so glad I did.

With trust, courage, good wits and a keenly cultivated sense of intuitive wisdom, I have taught myself to listen for the YES, and follow it. The biggest challenge, I have found, is to give presence at the very moment of arising, at the inception point of this ‘knowing.’ The key for me has been to see and acknowledge the wisdom AS IT FIRST ARISES – before the mind begins to analyze and jumble!  To learn to trust the heart’s knowing and not let the mind rationalize, over-analyze and paralyze. Learning to Listen into that Space, to Trust in that Awareness, and have the Courage to ACT with Fierce Grace has opened me to receive so many blessings!

People often ask me how I got to be this being you see reflected here today. So I felt it is important to be transparent. I don’t have it all together. I am winging it constantly, I feel fear and doubt, but I trust mySELF enough to stay Courageously Open. I am constantly remembering to surrender the illusion that I am in control of anything. I am willing to lean in and stay the course, even when it gets uncomfortable.  I am humble enough to know when to ask for support. Ultimately I have learned over the years of many successes and many, many more failures, to Trust Grace.